Saturday, October 6, 2012

White flag day

The other night, my husband took the boys to karate and I stayed home with our toddler to get a head start on dinner so it would be hot and ready when they returned. This is our normal procedure and works beautifully normally.

Realizing that hot dogs were on the menu by special request and our toddler was occupied, I thought I'd try to send out some writing samples while the house was relatively quiet.

We all know how difficult it is to maintain a train of thought and form a complete sentence with children around, so I'm not exactly sure why I thought this was a good idea. But I stubbornly persisted. Several times I stood up to rescue our 22 month old from rifling through cupboards and standing precariously on stools, and then I would sit back down to piece together my thoughts.

When I heard the sound of water pouring, I tuned it out. When I connected that it would have to be the science experiment our eldest son had left out, I jumped up to take care of it and returned to resuscitate my fledgling paragraph. 

Shortly after that was when the miniature fall gourds started to be thrown at me from some undisclosed location. Stubbornly, I persisted. But the breaking point was inevitable. I calmly sat our toddler down with some books in his room, finished my paragraph, picked up the placemats from the table that he had scattered on the floor, and broke down in to tears.

I proceeded into my litany of mumbling self pity/prayer...."why.....why....whhhyyyy!!! I never ask for anything for myself. All I want to do is write a few paragraphs that might help someone else! Why is it so hard? " and I allowed myself to come completely unglued, a luxury I rarely afford myself.

And softly as always, God's patient wisdom answered me in silence. The way only He can hold a mirror to my face so that I can reveal the answer to my own questions. "Yes," He said. "Why, why, why. So that you would come to Me. You can not do this on your own."  I knew this to be true, and my sniveling was quieted. Only You can bless and multiply my efforts, my sweet Lord. Please forgive me for my foolishness and pride. I know I can do nothing good without You.

I surrender to Your perfect wisdom.

(But did it have to be gourds?)

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